1st guy

I have been thinking if I shall pursue my graduate studies next year. Merely thinking about it excites me so I decided to take it into consideration to give me another reason to finish my Masters Degree this semester and so that I would have something to look up to next school year. They say if you have been thinking of something, that "thing" will surely enter in your dreams. I, being a person having more than one dream every time I sleep, regardless if I am on a bus, just taking a nap, or lying on my bed,  believe in this theory.

One of my dreams last night was about my first day in class as a PhD student. I came in late. To my surprise, my professor was Mr. 1st Guy. In all fairness, I never had a dream about him for like six years now and he was not in my mind that is why I wondered why he got into my dream. When I woke up, I opened my FB account and searched for his name. I thought he too, just like around 50% of my FB friends, is getting married or at least engaged. I did not read any "marriage" posts but just like his previous posts, he is still madly in love with his girlfriend.

Love? No, I have not felt it for almost eight years now because I am confident that I am with the better guy now. He picked me up when Mr. 1st Guy rejected me. He made me realize that as a girl, it was too much to cry for a guy who never really appreciated you in the first place. He served as the echo of my parents and teachers that ladies are supposed to be courted by real gentlemen and not the other way around.

Mr. 1st Guy was the first guy I cried about. Sya lang ang tanging lalaking niligawan ko because I thought that was the wisest thing to do. Figuratively, I undressed myself in front of him. I thought he was perfect. His eyes, his smile, his linggo I truly loved. I thought when I reach college I would be at par with him in many aspects in life. I thought we could be a perfect couple and that girls would envy me if I had him. All these thoughts, I guess, were wrong. There was no "us". I was the only one holding on and he never did.

My world turned 360 degrees! Because of such incident, I lost my scholarship, got attracted to girls, and dressed up kinda boyish (just to lose my attraction towards boys). But I never regret what I did because I learned a lot.

I do not know the explanation but sometimes, after that rejection, whenever I am rejected, it feels like there is a flashback of the actual scenario during my confession of love for him and then he turned me down.

Rejection really is painful. Until now, I still cry over some rejections (credit card application, better employer, unaccepted answers in exams, etc.). But what is good is that someone will always pick you up.

Oh well, this is life any way. We cannot have it all but we can have the best. :)

Almost there

Being a bread-winner and financing one's studies were never really easy for a small income earner like me. So I decided to make a move. For the past five months, I have been struggling for a better financial and emotional situation. I spent much, thought much, exerted much. At sometime I got sick because of the stress it had given me.

I somehow expected  for a positive result.

But just today, I learned that I did not make it. I cried over the text messages and phone call of my loved ones saying things are still OK despite the no so good news and that better stuffs are stored for me. I am so in dismay as of this moment that I want to buy two pairs of shoes before the day ends (yes, buying shoes is my stress reliever).

Hahay.

Maybe God wants me to be where I am now because many are expecting from me, because I have positioned myself already, and because I am being trained to be a good leader in the (near) future.

It might take days, weeks, or months before I finally concede that I really did not make it and that it is, was not, and will never be for me. But I still feel fortunate because there will be no adjustments at all, just a better swaying with the music this time around.

*To all those in the networking business, excuse me, but no thanks. :)